Spring! It's in the air.....

Ahh... Spring is finally here! Probably one of my most favorite times of the year, with Fall following close behind. I love the smell of flowers and the beautiful green grass and leaves filling out the landscape everywhere I look. And days like today are such a treasure... I took my little munchkin out for a little while today and it was wonderful. There was a warm, relaxing breeze calmly blowing through my hair and the sounds of birds flirting in the sky with one another. My son's beautiful smile radiated brighter than the sun each time he would get excited. His eyes lit up bigger than the moon in the sky. And then there was the birdpoop on his slide! haha. He was so interested in it until I explained that it was birdpoop and that it was yucky. No, I also said, "EEEEWWW!" He knows Eeeww by now. He hears it everytime I change his diaper. lol. So later he goes to slide down his slide and sees the poop. He tries every way he can to figure out how to get around that poop and still slide down his slide. Eventually, he hangs his leg over the side and slides down with success, bypassing the EEEEEWWWWY poop. Anyway, I could go on and on, but the basic facts are that we had a wonderful time enjoying the beautiful weather outside! :)

The plague continues....

One week has passed since my last post and I continue to be plagued with this urushiol-induced hell. I have always been allergic to poison ivy and have had many bad reactions in the past, but never one quite so bad as this. Luckily, my face has returned to normal, although, occasionally itchy and red. I have to wonder why I let things like this happen to me. lol. Although I had doctor's orders to remain home until Wednesday, I went to work Monday anyway. Some people thought I had a sunburn while most knew immediately something had happened. It was really touching the way everyone seemed concerned and caring, however, it was work and things quickly returned to some sort of normalcy for me. I so welcomed it. Having been stuck in bed for all those days was just too much for me. I'm not the type of person who can stand being held down like that.

I think the most amusing moment this past week was when my boobs started itching. It came on suddenly and was simply uncontrollable!! It's really hard to not scratch, especially in that particular location of the body so there I was squirming in my seat with my arms pressed angrily against my chest, hoping the temptation would pass. It didn't of course, so off to the cafeteria I went to see if they had any plastic bottles I could fill with hot water. Luckily, they did. It's amazing how scalding hot water can relieve the itching for hours. It's probably one of the most maddening itches you'll ever feel in your life when the heat is applied to the skin, but once it's removed, it's such sweet relief. For that very reason, I have bathed at least three times a day lately! What a clean freak I must seem to be. lol.

Otherwise, my week has been pretty boring and laid back. I've spent each evening watching movies and spending time with my munchkin. It's just been nice to finally be able to hold him in my arms again. :)

Mask of Urushiol

Day 1:
I'm back from my quick trip to Florida and beginning the rest of my vacation with my family, the first week we have had to spend together as a family in a year. It's wonderful to finally have the time! We spend our first day out in the back yard and since we're all out there, hubby and I decide to spend a little time trimming down some of the trees and shrubs that might pose a danger to our son. Hubby had to leave for an appointment and munchkin went down for a nap. I continued to work in the yard. Ahh... how wonderful it felt to finally have the time to be getting some of these things around the house done! Still have much to do but this is a fantastic start! Hubby got home just in time for me to hop into a hot tub to soak and wash up a little before heading out for dinner. The mall was a great outing! Cheap Japanese food was definitely the way to go. We head home to catch a movie together and soon we're off to bed. I'm excited about this week we have to spend together!

Day 1.5:
It's only about 4am but I wake up with an irresistible urge to scratch my neck and face... oh... and my legs too!! Yikes! What the hell am I doing?!?! I must have gotten into some poison ivy the day before. To the sink I go to wash my hands and apply some cortisone creme. Come morning, I'll make a quick trip to Wal-mart to pick up some benedryl and calamine lotion. Everything will be fine. NOTHING is going to spoil my vacation! I'm still revved up about it.

Day 2:
A look in the mirror gives me a pretty good indication that something isn't quite right. My left eye is drooping a little and my chin and lower face is pretty enflamed. Just great... well, maybe I won't look the greatest but nothing's going to stand in the way of my family time! Nope... I'm a trooper. Off to Wal-mart I go and back home with all the medications I should need. I get home, medicate myself, put on long-sleeves and sit in the playroom with Jonathan while Billy's off for another appointment. (he's trying to get into school with the spare time we have) Dang... those benedryl pills are making me awful sleepy. I grab a blanket and pillow and snooze a little while my munckin plays. He keeps pulling my hair and waking me up.. How rude. Arrgh... He's okay, everything is okay, I'm napping a little more. A little rest should help.

Day 2 - 6:30 pm:
Okay, so the drooping is getting a little worse... wow... my face is really starting to look ripe. I think it's time to go see the Dr. Can't let this thing get me down. A cortisone shot is just what I need. Doctor's Care stays open til about 8 or 9 so I head up there for a quick visit. Great idea and I went to the right one. They're quick, efficient and seem better than the one we live closest to. I'm one smart cookie. Okay, so I come back home, nap a little more and enjoy a few episodes of Smallville with the family. I'm feeling pretty crappy and itching pretty bad but I want this stuff to heal quickly so I keep my fingers under control.... most of the time. Hmm.... my face is looking worse. I might want to get a picture of this. Never seen my face deformed before. This should make for some interesting memories. I got the shot so it should be better by morning anyway. Let's pose for the camera... say cheeeeeeze!

Day 3:
OH SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!??!?! Who's that scary creature staring back at me in the mirror and why does my face hurt so bad? What about all these sores creeping up all over my body. Ahh... that's right, the Dr. said the shot may take a day or two.... maybe I can still salvage a few days of my vacation at least!! I spend the entire day in bed. I couldn't imagine moving a muscle to go anywhere anyway. I call the Dr. to ask if all this is normal and what I should do. I'm told that as long as my breathing is still normal, to just keep resting and taking the benedryl and it should start getting better soon. Okay... I guess I can do this. It can't possibly get worse than this. I mean really... there's a monster on my head. I'll look right pleasant for a few days, but just maybe... I'll get to spend a day or two with my family doing something we enjoy! We could probably still make it to the Botanical Gardens this weekend! I just need to keep getting my rest and endure this horrible pain a little longer. That shot will help me soon. It's gotta. The Dr. says so. Gosh I sure do miss my baby!!!

Day 4 - 4:30 am:
Billy!! Wake up. I HAVE to go the the emergency room IMMEDIATELY!!! OMG!! What is going on!?!? I can't live another moment like this. I feel like I'm dying!!! I don't bother to dress in anything... and I have NEVER left my house without a bra on before! Like I could care less at this moment?!?! Hubby begins rushing around trying to get ready. He gets our son up and carries the poor sleeping baby out into the cold early morning air. OMG my heart is breaking for my poor little baby, but how can I possibly not go. I can't drive myself. I can't even see!!! We get to the ER and hubby drops me off at the entrance. I stumble inside, opening my eyes just as wide as possible so that I might see enough to make it to the front desk. I see people staring at me. How many times had I been to an emergency room in the past and been the person staring? How many times had I not bothered to question the feelings of the person being stared at? It was all hitting home at this very moment. "I" was the poor, pathetic creature of everyone's morbid curiosity. And the strangest thing was that although it bothered me a little, I shrugged it off and continued on. I knew I was hideous and there was nothing in the world I could do about it. I was trapped inside of my own, pussy, scabby, aching, scratchy, swollen body and there was absolutely NO escape.... except death. I began to wish for death..... The only thought that kept me from wishing hard enough, was being with my baby again. OH GOD!! My baby!!! Hubby was soon in the ER with me, baby in tow. He was looking at me... his Mommy.... NOOOOOO!!! Don't let him see me! Please! I don't want him to see me like this! Nooo..... Too late. He was staring in disbelief. My poor, innocent little boy was just staring at his Mommy. Did he recognize me, yes, he did.... but he was scared. I could tell. I saw a reflection of my profile in the glass of a photo behind me in the examining room. My eyes had swollen so badly that there was nothing but slits where my eyes were. The pressure was too intense. I was rushed into a room, but it seemed like forever before anyone came in to help me. I was beginning to lose my mind and my temper. Finally, someone came in. Ahhh.... the sweet IV lady!!! It was time to get something foreign pumped into my body that would help to alleviate the pain!! Crap... she couldn't find a decent vein.... so someone they kept calling "roach lady" came in and found a nice little vein in an unusual spot. Okay, who cares. Just give me the good stuff. Morphine, steroids, even a pill of Loritab. When I first felt the surge of morphine, I began to panic. My neck, my head... what the hell was going on?!?! Waaaaaiiit.... ahhhh... relaxation..... I must have laid in that room for hours. Who knows. I just laid there, much as I did at home... in and out of consciousness, listening to all the sounds around me... answering questions when asked... just there. I had been told that they would not let me leave in this condition, at least until the swelling had begun to decrease. A man came in to tell me about an experience he had with poison ivy and how taking extremely hot showers will help. Yea, okay, whatever... just let me rest please. At some point, I had convinced my husband to take our son home and find someone to watch him for us so he did. Finally, it was time to go home. Hubby was back and had left our son with his Grandmother at our house. That's nice. The swelling had come down considerably and I was able to see out of both eyes, however, it was still extremely difficult to hold my eyes open. I had lain in the bed with a wet cloth over my face the entire time. It was the only way my eyes could relax. I couldn't stand to open them. Back at home, I immediately went to bed and that is where I stayed for most of the rest of the day. My best friend came over late that evening to help with Jonathan while hubby helped me to get showered and to help tend to my sores and such. The man who spoke with me at the hospital had recommended taking a hot shower, as hot as I could stand it to help alleviate the itching.... so I felt it was worth a try. OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!!!!!!! Such sweet painful pleasure!!!!! Billy helped me wash the most important parts, changed all the bedding and finally, I was back into bed. Ahhh...

Day 5:
Wow!!! My face is beginning to reappear!!! It's still so distorted, red and swollen and my lips no longer feel like bricks hanging off my face, but wow do they sting. Sooo chapped and so painful. Ouch.... My best friend leaves once my hubby's Grandmother, Aunt and cousin arrives. We head off to the ER for a fast-track visit per instructions the previous day for a checkup. The Dr. talked with us a little, asked about any pain I might be having. I mentioned having had a great amount of seepage behind my left leg and he asked to look at it.... OMG!!! It's black!!!! NOT a good sign. It really hadn't been hurting that bad... or I hadn't noticed it so much over everything else. He sent us home with a prescription for antibiotics to go along with all the rest of the drugs I was now to take. How nice... Back home I go and back to bed. Of course, changing sheets and blankets on a daily basis had become a part of our new ritual. Billy would handle that while I bathed. I tried soaking in the Aveeno oatmeal as I was advised and it really helped a lot. I implemented the hot water treatment in addition... ahhh... soooooo nice! We stayed up late and watched the remainder of the Smallville episodes and soon I was off to bed.

Day 6:
OH HELL YEA!!! First things first! Put some long sleeves on and go spend some quality time with my family! It might not be the botanical gardens.... but GOD it was so nice to just be able to hold my baby in my arms! I got to do some research and everything I've read and what the Dr. had last told me was that I wasn't so contagious afterall. I learned so much about Poison Ivy and Urushiol and how to identify the plants and sooo much about it. NEVER again! Hubby went and bought some round up. We're going to kill every single bush and vine growing in our yard! I could never imagine my son going through the sheer hell I just survived. A big part of me has returned. My face is still inflamed, red and puffy, but at least I recognize my face. The sores are beginning to dry up a little and things are feeling much better. I haven't napped at all, although I'm incredibly sleepy! lol. I occasionally run to the bathroom to have sex with my hair dryer... lol.. not really, but the heat has the same effect as scalding hot water on the rash. It's a euphoria that I simply could not describe and it dulls the itching for hours and hours. Supposedly, the heat removes the histamines and it takes about 8 hours for the body to restore them which soothes the itching. I'm supposed to return to work tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'll be able to. I still have a lot of pain in my hands and difficulty with my vision. My eyes are constantly burning and the itching is still a major factor. Luckily, I'm near the end of this nightmare. This has to have been one of the worst weeks of my life.... At least I still have my life. I knew I was badly allergic to poison ivy, but never thought it could do this much damage. It's deadly...

Throughout my entire experience, I had this constant fear that this could happen to my son. Luckily, toddlers and elderly seem less suseptible for some reason and he has been fine, but that doesn't mean he will be so lucky the next time because just a small portion of the oil that was brought in from my clothing that day would have been enough to cause a reaction on anyone.

Below are some very useful websites about poison ivy and the urushiol oil that makes this weed so dangerous. I recommend everyone take a moment to check this out because you never know when you might be the next person to have such a horrible allergic reaction to this stuff. It's tricky and it affects every single person differently and with time, each person's body changes as does their reaction to this stuff. There's no such thing as truly being immune. Just take a moment and read. It will amaze you just how serious of a threat this weed can be to you. You can get a terrible rash and possibly even end up in the hospital because of it without ever leaving your home! And whatever you do, NEVER burn it!
http://www.poison-ivy.org
http://poisonivy.aesir.com

Life in General

This past week has defintely been one of the best ones in a very long time. I've been upbeat, happy and enjoying spending time with my family. Each night, we'd sit down to watch an episode of Smallville together. Since hubby has began watching them, he has gotten me addicted to the show as well so sometimes, we'll even watch two or more! lol. I'm thinking that tonight, we'll try to watch four.... ha!

The past couple of months, I had been spending two nights of the week at the Unitarian church going to classes. This was the first week that I had not. Those classes had ended and I think I'm going to hold off on taking more for a while. The time that I spent there was wonderful and it helped me so much through a really rough time in my life, but I don't want to overdo it. I've met some really fantastic people and made some friends along the way. I'm very happy to have had this opportunity and to have found a place like this I can go and take my family. I really look forward to spending more time with this place and making more friends.

Now that I look back and reflect, the past couple of months have been pure hell. I had gone through one of the worst depressions of my life. I was terrified when I first started emerging from it, that I would fall back into the depression when I began to cycle. Being bi-polar, my major mood swings tend to cycle monthly right along with my hormonal changes.... but I didn't. I'm sure I'll have my moments when things seem unavoidably messed up and depressing, but hopefully, I'll be able to bounce back like I've always done. I don't ever want to go through that again! Uggh. I don't think I've been that messed up since I was a hormonal, angry teenager. lol. There were a few positive things that came out of it, however. I had this massive urge to write. My creativity was probably at its highest and if I had more time on my hands, I probably would have liked to do some painting and drawings as well. But... I have a little munckin to contend with so that wouldn't have been too easy. Having felt compelled to get involved in something new to keep my mind off of depressing things, I got involved with GUUF where I had met so many wonderful people. The past couple of weeks have really taken a much-needed turn for the better.

Hubby had this past Wednesday and Thursday off so we spent the time after I got off work together going to parks and doing a little shopping after. The weather was just gorgeous!!! We all had so much fun and Jonathan got to do so many new things. He played harder than I've ever seen him. He got to explore all over the park. There were these huge, maze-like structures that children can run through with slides and all sorts of neat things to do. Even the big-kid section was safe enough that we could all go up together and Jonathan was able to climb through it as well. We just had to block off the sections that dropped off before he got to them so he wouldn't get hurt. Jonathan especially loved playing in the sandbox with the other kids! He kept going back to that and it was just awesome to watch him as he tried to make new friends while playing. We all played until after it got dark. It was just amazing.

The day before, we had gone to a local park and Jonathan spent most of his time running around, trying to explore. We finally just took him to the big baseball field and let him loose. That's when we really began having fun. He LOVED having a huge open field to run around in! We chased each other, twirled around, did flips... just everything. The three of us had a great time and afterwards, we went to the Mall where Jonathan got to do even more running around!

I could go on and on, but basically, I'm just finding a happiness in my life that I haven't really been able to find in a long time. Things really seem to be coming together now and I'm better able to cope with the rapid changes that have been occuring. I'm still looking for a new job, in fact, I'm upping my searches a bit more. I've submitted several other resume's and have had a few calls. I had the one interview, but they've decided to go with another candidate which is fine. They were my first effort in this new search. I didn't really expect anything to come of it in the first place, but was pleased to have had the opportunity to interview.

I really hope things continue to improve and that I am able to find a job that fits into my life the way I need it to. If nothing else, I would at least like to have a nice-sized raise. lol. I really do enjoy the place I work at now. The people are fun to work with. It's so much more different than it used to be, but I have adapted. :)

Behind the Mask Recital

Last Sunday, we had the "Behind the Mask" poetry recital at the Unitarian congregation and it was one of the most beautiful events I've ever been a part of! The poetry was so touching and moving. Everyone did such a wonderful job. My first reading went very well. I was "The Lady Behind the Mask" which meant I was to do the first reading with the chalice being lit. I wore a crimson cloak with the hood pulled up and standing with my backside to the crowd. My mask (that I had spent weeks beforehand creating) was worn facing them while I recited the first poem, "Faces" that I had written months ago. It went very well. I was able to speak loud, slow enough and clearly. The second poem went a little differently. This time, I was just holding the mask, facing the people and completely skipped a line. I think I did a pretty good job of covering it up, however. I just kept right on reading.

We had three musicians get together to do some music for us. They played guitars, drums and this really beautiful indian flute type music. It was some of the most exquisite music I have ever heard in my life!!! I was so entranced by the beauty of it all. I think everyone else was too.

After the service, my Mom and I went to go pick up my son from nursery to find him missing. One of the girls had left, apparently to go retrieve him from wherever he escaped to. The little escape artist apparently had been having a field day and was spotted playing up and down the stairs!!! These are some pretty steep and lengthy steps too! I had spoken with several people who said they were going to make some changes so that wouldn't happen again. I really hope so. I love going to this place, but have to put my son's safety first. He could have gotten killed playing on those steps or what if he had run out the door or someone might run off with him. It just terrifies me to think of all the things that could have happened. He's my baby.

Finding my place...

I've been going to the Universalist Unitarian congregation for about two months now and am feeling more and more a part of this place. They're in the process of restructuring and workout out kinks in order to move forward and grow and I feel strongly that I could be a part of this growth process. They have so many goals and projects in mind for the future. I keep asking myself which parts could I be the most help. Perhaps I could use my artistic abilities or perhaps they might have a need for a web/graphic designer to help out with some things.... or perhaps I might be able to put some of my leadership abilities to good use. I'm constantly finding things that stir my interest and make me think in new, creative ways. I find myself drawn to this place and love to just spend time there, even if it's just a group of us sitting around talking and mulling things over.

I feel a free-flowing current of creative engergies and very powerful zest for life within the congregation. Most everyone I have met are very intellectual beings who tend to think outside of the box. There seems to be a lot of understanding and compassion for those who walk a different path than what is typically expected by society. I can definitely see how someone would want to devote their entire lives to a purpose like this. There doesn't seem to be room for getting bored or losing interest. These are the kind of people that I want to raise my son around and the kind of atmosphere I have always embraced and longed for.

When I think of selling my house and moving to a better location, I keep thinking how I couldn't possibly move too far from this place because I want to be able to continue to be a part of such a wonderful experience. I have such strong, sometimes overpowering feelings about this fantastic place that I have finally found. I wonder if it is truly possible that I have found my calling??? Could this really be the place in my life that I have been searching for? I guess only time will tell. :)

Job interview skills need work...

I keep replaying my job interview in my head and each time I start thinking about things I wish I would have said differently and I cringe. I really am hopeful about this position, but I think I might have stressed importance on all the wrong things and not put enough focus on the right ones. There are a thousand other things I could have said or asked that would have given them reason to think me a viable candidate, all being true of course, but my nervousness got in the way. I know I'm a good worker, I know I'm creative and I know I work hard, but how do you prove something like that to a potential employer? So far, I haven't heard anything back from them. I'm sure it's too soon to really be concerned, but I really do see this as being a potentially wonderful thing and am afraid I might have said something to screw it up.

I love the idea of selling this house and getting away from this side of town and certainly getting a job in Spartanburg would get those energies flowing. It might not be right away, but in time, it's a goal that would be far easier to attain.

I do enjoy my current job the majority of the time, but I really feel as though I've outgrown it, especially when I look around and see all these people who have been there for years... and just really haven't gotten anywhere with it. People just don't make a dent in that place. They're workers... plain and simple. I want to be a part of something where I will make a difference... where my work is acknowledged and my skills respected. I want to be able to stand out with distinction. Plus, an increase in pay would be nice too. I can't forget that hope. lol. I guess I just have to sit back and wait and hope to get that call for a second interview... and hope even more that I don't screw that one up. Ahhh... if only these people could see inside my mind.... then they'd know they found the right person. Would be nice if life were so simple. :)

New Job Maybe??

I have a job interview with a company in Spartanburg as a Web/Graphic Artist and I'm pretty excited about it! I've almost finished getting my portfolio prepared. I just have a few other additions to work on. When I spoke with the lady, I did let her know what my current salary is and that I would have to make a great deal more for this to be in my ballpark and she said that would not be a problem!!! This might just be the incentive I need to get out of this house and into something in a better location! I'll forever steer a woman about to have a baby away from buying a house so soon to her delivery time! lol. We women can make some pretty hasty decisions in such a state of mind! :)

Anyhoo, I know that when I started at my current job, I was living in Greenwood, so for me, this isn't such a big deal. I used to commute from Ware Shoals to the far end of Greenwood all the time anyway, on a regular basis, so if I could do it then, I can do it now. Until we can get moved again, this is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Some of the additional money I am hoping to make will likely go towards putting my munchkin in nursery which is something he's definitely ready for and needs. The socialization and learning aspects are big pluses right now.

Hubby is trying to get back into school also! He's looking at ECPI and Greenville Tech, but his preference is ECPI of course. We'll probably have to get student loans, but if he's guaranteed a good enough job afterwards, I hardly think I'll be so concerned about the loans. And hopefully, he can qualify for some financial aid. It's looking like we have a lot of big decisions and choices to make soon. I'm a bit fearful, but very optimistic!

I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. I'm certainly going to make every effort possible to make things better for all of us in the long run. I'm eager to have more of an opportunity to be creative and with this position being both a web and graphic artist type position, I think it has some real possibilities for me!

Pain sux

I haven't really said anything about this, but I've been hurting a great deal in my left side just under my rib cage. I've gone to the Dr. about it and she keeps insisting it's a muscle pain and prescribed me muscle relaxers (that don't work). I think she's full of crap, but I have another appointment with her for tomorrow. I am just tired of hurting. This has been getting steadily worse for the past few months. Today, near the end of my work day, my entire back started hurting (especially in the lower and upper middle quadrants) and is getting worse by the hour. I've done absolutely nothing that would trigger something like this.

On top of all this, I've been having a somewhat persistent cough and tight feeling in my chest. It's worse at times than others and some times, it doesn't bother me at all.

I just don't get it. I wonder if stress could cause all this? I know I've definitely had way more than my fair share of that!

Calico

I went to my "Behind the Mask" class today at the UU church and we sat in silence for the better part of the evening writing our poems. We eventually emerged to converse a little and then I left early to spend some time with my hubby since he has today off (which I'm currently not doing... shame, shame, shame... on me!) He had wanted to come with me to the class today initially, but it isn't one of those types of classes you can just jump right into so he had to stay home. I'm sure they would have been okay if he tagged along, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to be bringing unexpected visitors along.

My poem is almost finished or perhaps completely finished depending on how I feel about it before the recital. I think it sounds pretty good so far and have already posted it in my poetry blog but will post it here as well since it pertains to this post. :)

Calico
Pieces of me now come together
A harmoneous being of patchwork
Blending the fibers of my soul
With a rainbow of emotions to sort

My lips have tasted the sweeter side
And these eyes have seen the darkness
Experiencing all the many alluring facets
Of life's ever evolving path to happiness

Passionately driven to define perfection
I find fault in every strength that I possess
Overwhelmed by my darkest of fears but
Painfully aware of my innermost weakness

Calico images unveiled from deep within
You see a mask but there's more to me
Hiding behind the pieces put together
I show you only what you need to see

New UU!

My Mom and I were invited to attend the New UU classes that started today so we decided to go. I must say, we had a FANTASTIC time!!! We go to two more classes over the course of the next two Sundays. I think I'm rather happy that they've moved the time for the next class to after morning services. I don't like my Mom driving all the way back home in the dark plus I know she'll be with me for the morning services that day... and maybe.... she'll take Jonathan the night before again!! Woo hoo! Gotta love those weekends away!

Well, there were about 11 of us and I think I may have made a few new friends. One of them has three children, with one who is close to Jonathan's age. The other girl has two children closer to the other girl's other two children's ages. I'm pretty vamped about the whole thing.

I've been hearing about these covenent circles and am thinking about joining one or seeing if there's any way one can be started for parents who have small children. That way, we'd be more likely to tailor our meetings around having kids. I keep hearing that these circles are the biggest thing people love about the church so that in itself just sounds irresistable! I'm really enjoying the social aspect of all of this and just having people to talk to with similar interests.

I think taking classes with my Mom like this will help us to better understand one another. It was really interesting the way our introductions and tellings of ourselves seemed so intertwined and tended to play off of one another. So much of me and who I am involves her and visa versa.

It was very interesting the way most of us seemed able to open up to one another and talk about private issues. I think I may have been the first to do so, but others followed soon after. Within one meeting, we established a level of trust that was very heart-warming. This "congregation" and the various events and classes have been so therapeutic to me in so many ways. It's almost like an addiction! lol.

Ohhhhhhhh!!! And Billy attended morning services with me this morning!!! That was one of the most awesome moments! I remember seeing another couple in church last Sunday. The husband had his arm placed around his wife in a very loving manner. I remember thinking.... wow.... wouldn't it be nice if Billy were so openly loving towards me if we were able to attend church together.... and that was the VERY FIRST thing he did when we sat down! His arm went around me and rested on my shoulder throughout the entire service. How sweet!!! Afterwards, we came home, let our little munchkin play for a while, put him down for a nap and enjoyed a lovely afternoon together. I could really get used to days like this! :)

Parents as Resident Theologians

I've mentioned taking classes at the UU church but haven't really discussed much about this one class. At first, I was a little skeptical about it, but I am very much enjoying it and finding it very insightful. It is giving me opportunities to discuss my religious beliefs with others and compare ideas and points of views. It is just now beginning to take aim in the direction of how religion will affect my child and how I will respond to his questions about God.

Today, we read several poems and held lengthy discussions about these poems and our thoughts on them. We also read letters from children to God that I found very entertaining and moving. I wanted to share a few of my favorites because they really do make you think about the kinds of things that might go through a child's mind in respect to God.

"Dear God,
What is it like when you die. Nobody will tell me. I just want to know, I don't want to do it.
Your Friend, Mike."

"Dear God,
If you are so smart, let's see if you can read what I am saying. It's in my own code and no one knows it:
VDDL RBT CLJKS NT
PSD KLHSM ATFO
If you can read it, make it rain tomorrow so I will know.
Your unknown friend,
Gabe"

"Dear God,
I don't think you were listening when I asked you to make me a better player, so I am sending it by mail so you can read it when you have time. Here is my picture so you will know who I am.
So long,
bobby"

We were asked to write our definition of God. I wish I would have been asked this last week because I really felt I had all the right answers then. lol. Anyway, here is what I wrote.

"God is the energy that surrounds us. God is awareness and existence. He is within us. God is a power that cannot be created or destroyed but a power that each of us has the ability to control or be controlled by."

Then, we were asked to write the definition we would give to our child. A couple of us misunderstood the question and thought we were asked to write what a child's definition might be and assumed it would be from his/her perspective. With this in mind, I tried to remember back to when I was a child and how I might have defined God.

"God is a good man who made us all, even Mommy & Daddy and loves us. He is the strongest, smartest and biggest person alive. God is a good listener because he has to hear all of our prayers and try to answer them."

And within record speed, I quickly came up with the correct version of this definition once the error of my ways was recognized. lol.

"God is a good person that we all have to find on our own. He is the love in your heart and the smile on my face when you are good and honest. He is the warmth you feel when you are happy."

The discussion began again so I wasn't able to take this much further. I suppose if I were to add to this, I would also tell my son that "God is everything we see and touch, that God is all around. If we feel lonely and need someone to talk to, God is there, patient and listening. God isn't necessarily a person or a thing, but he is there and we can feel him when we need him most."

I'm rather agnostic in my beliefs, but I have a very strong need for spirituality. I find it rather difficult to put into words what spirituality is to me but I know that I feel it and it isn't what I was raised to believe in. It has taken my lifetime to come to terms with what I really feel and to accept that I need to move in some direction with it, if not for myself, then for my son and family.

To me, God is simply a word to associate with an all-encompassing energy that flows between us all, connecting everything and everyone. We have the power to make things happen in our lives and we are the movers and the shakers. It is us that determines our future, not God. God is the energy we need to make these things happen. We're all heading towards death, the moment we are born, but what are we really born from and where does our existence really end? Does it? Like all matter and energy, I think we simply take on different forms. And perhaps, we have no semblance at all to our former selves, no memories, just the connectivity of God. So how do I feel good about this when I want to always know my son as he is now? I suppose since I don't have all of the answers, that I just hope, because somewhere out there, some way or another, he's always going to exist.

Wow!

I met hubby at the pediatrician's today for my son's appointment and naturally, he's a healthy, growing little boy. But that child is definitely big for his age! He's in the 99th percentile in height and 76th in weight. It's pretty amazing to know that this growing little life was once a part of my body. I think it is the most amazing thing in my entire life. He's such a smart little cookie, even though his curiosity tends to get him into trouble. I'm so proud of him.

Behind the Mask

I went to my Behind the Mask class tonight as I have been for the past month and ran into a particular person I've been afraid of seeing. Honestly, I just didn't expect to see him there but he was. My first reaction was to run away but then it turned to anger. Of course, that's not fair because he was going there before I started. I fear he might think my going there has something to do with him but the fact is, it doesn't. I honestly never wanted to run into him after everything that has happened. I hate the fact that we can't be friends anymore but I guess that's life. I am not going to stop attending this church because of him but I'm afraid I won't be able to feel as comfortable there as I would like to anymore. I REALLY want to get involved in this place but it's so hard to under such circumstances.

Part of me wants to run and never go back but the other part of me loves this place so much and hates the thought of leaving it for good. My son adores the daycare workers and looks forward to going. I can't take that away from him. My Mom is even getting involved and is super excited that I'm finally going to church. WHY does there have to be this one thorn in the rose bush? This place is the perfect opportunity for me to explore my spirituality and get my entire family involved. They have SOOO much to do. I feel so torn and wish I didn't.

Stupid People

We went to see Underworld (Evolution) tonight and there was a family who had a small child with them. Well, I was okay with that until the first head was sliced from its body. That was pretty gruesome as was the majority of that movie. Amazingly enough, I survived it all rather well considering I generally avoid gory movies, but I was rather annoyed with the family who brought their child. There was blood, guts, body parts flying everywhere and low and behold, there was nudity and SEX!!!

I was rather aggravated with their reaction to the sex scenes as opposed to the rest of the degenerate crap. Whenever someone would have sex or show their nakedness, the father would cover his child's eyes, however, there was no protection from the death and destruction and all of the hideous visuals. It's rather odd that they would shield the child from an intimate, loving moment and not from something horrific and disgusting. It's like saying, sex is evil and should not be seen, but hacking and slicing people apart is perfectly okay. And let's not forget the nightmares a movie like that could give a child so small and impressionable. I really just do not think that sort of movie is appropriate for small children and if you're going to shield your child from something, it should be the violence. Sex at least is a part of life that is "generally" productive and loving.